You know what really grinds my gears....

Women who smoke, drink, and do drugs while pregnant.

I have no respect for them, and zero tolerance for any women who puts their unborn child in this situation. How can they be so selfish and self-centered?

It's pretty much a death wish for that unborn child, or they will have severe problems when they are born.

Why do they get to have children? Why don't they have the miscarriage?

Why do we women, who have done everything by the book, lose the baby?

I'm not saying that I want them to have a miscarriage, but it seems more likely that they would because they are putting harmful stuff in their bodies.

Then what happens when that child is born?

A child is unable to protect themselves against that kind of enviroment, and they learn by what they see other people around them doing.

I'm sure a lot of those women who do those things have miscarriages, but a lot of them don't.

I feel so badly for those babies, the ones that are born addicted to crack, have asthma because their mother smoked or someone around them smoked, or have fetal alchohol syndrome.

They don't deserve that. They didn't even have a chance.

I may sound bitter about losing my baby, and I am. But isn't this what all women who have a miscarriage think?

Hi, my name is PK and I'm a googleholic.

I google everything. I'm sure most of you do, too.

If my husband and I are arguing over something and we both think we are right I say, "Google it."

Google is great because it connects me to other people who have gone through stuff that I have. (e.g miscarriage)
-I read about what they went through and compare myself to them. Some of them seem a lot worse than mine.

Google gives me information on things that I'm curious about. (e.g miscarriage, d & c)
-Symptoms
-Statistics
-All of that doctorly stuff that the doctors don't tell you

Google is a genious. It knows everything.

But you already knew that.

Google doesn't take the pain away from having a miscarriage though, it just gives me information so that I'm more knowledgeable about the situation.

Google can't fix all of my problems.

It is just a crutch to help me try and get through this.

My Eyebrow Lady

I've known Lori for 5 or 6 years now. She does my eyebrows often and facials occasionally. She is kind of like a cheap therapist. We talk about everything and she listens to my problems and I listen to hers, and she has actually become a good friend.

Right after I became pregnant I went to see her. She told me that her husband and her were going on a week vacation and they were going to try and make a baby. I told her that I was pregnant at that exact moment.

It would have been so exciting if we could be pregnant together! I couldn't even tell you how awesome that would be. We could go shopping together, talk about changes going on with us, bitch about things. lol Those hormones would be raging!

A couple weeks after that I went to see her again, she asked me how the pregnancy was going and I told her that I had lost the baby.

The next time I went to see her, she told me she was pregnant. There was an older lady sitting next to her and she looked at me funny, because all I said was "Are you really?" I was trying not to cry as I said this. We got into her room and she asked if I had the D & C and I started to cry.
I was mad that she even told me she was pregnant, I understand why she did, but she should have understood the pain I was going through.

I felt bad afterwards. I told her I was sorry and that I was happy for her. I am really happy for her. She is 31 after all.

I don't know though, I couldn't see her having children for some reason. She is a great person, but I don't know if she is the "motherly" type. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

She really isn't very far a long. A month, maybe. I just hope that she doesn't have a miscarriage. If she did though, I would be there for her and she would have a shoulder to cry on.

Pretty much, I think she shouldnt have told anyone until at least 3 months along.

Maybe I'm being a hypocrite since I told everyone about the same time as her. If I could do it again though, I would wait until the 3 month mark. I will the next time.

Miscarriage

Well, what can I say.

I had the doctors appointment, and the baby was there and there was no heart beat. It was probably the worst experience of my life. The baby was there, I could see it. It was a little peanut and she/he was so cute.

The doctor was so quiet though, and I knew something was wrong. No wonder I started to feel better, the baby was gone.

I didn't want to do a D & C. I strongly objected against it. So I decided to go the natural route. I wanted to see my baby.

The doctor said that it would be like bad menstrual cramps. Bad Menstrual cramps my butt! I thought for sure I was going to have a 7 lb baby! The pain was SOOO bad. For 5 hrs straight the first day and then it went away so I thought it was over. Then the second day it was bad again and I had to go to the emergency room and sit in there and like double over in pain and I just cant explain how bad it is, like I was literally pushing! But if it is like labor pains, then at least I know what to expect.

Well the next day I had the D & C and I can't tell you how much better I felt. Ugh, I hate to say that but if it does happen again *and I pray to God it doesn't* I would choose to do that. It's just not a good thing, mentally or physically, to go through that kind of pain and then you don't get anything out of it.

Also, after the D & C, I started to get milk! I was only 8 weeks 4 days. I still have it a little bit but not as much. That just added salt to the wound. I guess my body thought I had a baby.

The crying has stopped, except for on occasions. Actually, my cousin had a baby yesterday and I didn't even cry about it. I guess when we go to see her it will be really hard.
I'm just mad because she had a one night stand with her friend and she got pregnant. It's just sooo unfair.

Well, I have some more stories to tell but this is a long post and I have to get ready for school *College*

:) Have a good day to whoever reads this, even though it is for my own piece of mind

Finally Some Energy!

So today is the first day I have felt human in about 2 months or maybe 2 1/2 months!

I could actually clean a little bit today, not really nauseas, didn't have to eat every 30 mins to an hour.

It feels good to feel normal again!

Tomorrow is our first doctors appointment. I guess they will have to do my most favorite thing in the world...Pap Smear...
Ughh...It has to be the worst thing in the world to me.

I'm so excited about the ultra sound though! I can't wait to hear a heart beat!

I don't know if I will be one of those women who get all emotional when that happens. I probably will though.
I'm mostly looking forward to my husbands reaction. Will he get emotional? So far he is being a lot better about all of this than I thought he would be. He's more caring and observant and great and I love him so much.
My moms coming with us too since she will probably be going to Germany really soon and won't be able to be here for most of the good parts of the pregnancy.

Actually I really cried hard the other day because I just realized that she's going to be leaving and I don't get to see her much anymore since I've been married and it just kind of sucks.

I'm scared of gaining weight too. Like last night Nick brought home candy bars, ice cream, and oreos! I was like what are you doing to me! lol

Well I'm hoping all of that weight goes to my boobs :)

Maybe I'll try to get some pics on here soon!

Vow Renewal

My husband and I are having a vow renewal ceremony in July. There is still so much left to do! Pick out our playlist, figure out if we saying some vows or not, decorate and what not.

I guess it doesnt look like a lot but it kind of is. It's just stressful and I don't need any stress if I'm preggers.

We plan on telling his parents and my mom around that time. I'd like to tell them when they take us out to dinner for our wedding anniversary! What a great anniversary surprise! lol

I feel like a lazy bum since I've gotten pregnant. It's so hard to clean the house or do just about anything.
I can barely go anywhere because I get too tired.

I'm trying my best. I want the house to be clean but geez it's sooo exhausting and I'm not ready to be tired yet!

Tomorrow is our OB class! I'm super excited about that! I can't wait to meet some other women who might be due the same time as me! :)

So Tired!

This tiredness is killing me!
I wake up at like 7 am and then by 2 pm I am POOPED!

I did a little better today though. I went shopping with my mom but I couldn't really do it for very long because I had no energy.

I did get the strength to do a little laundry and to put some dishes in the dishwasher, but I don't want to over do it lol

Hubby is starting to make a names list...of all BOYS. He thinks its going to be a boy and I probably wouldn't be surprised if it is.. Just a little sad maybe because I reallly realllly really want a girl to dress up in bows and pink and cute things.
I don't even know what to do with a boy! I know that Nick will be really happy though if we have a boy so I hope that we do. **kind of**

The SIMS 3 says that we are going to have boys anyway. Every time I get preggo on that game I always have boys!

I'm getting more excited but I'm still scared.
I could list a million what ifs here that I dont even have the answer to.

I'm just going to try the best that I can to love and care for be there for this child that's growing in me.

I still can't believe it lol. I don't think I'll believe it until I actually hear a heartbeat or feel the baby kick.
It is so unreal. I'm sure a lot of women feel like this during their first pregnancies though